Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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