I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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