Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
