I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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