This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
