Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
