She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
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8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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