I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
