One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
