matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
