Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
