This is not my ceiling
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
