My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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