From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Girls should come with a carfax report
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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