just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
