I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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