Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
