I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
