I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
