I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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