My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize