I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
