he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
