I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
