I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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