woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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