Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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