Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
