i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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