he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
