watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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