Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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