I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
we're so committed to being not committed
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
