Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
50% drunk capacity currently
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
