So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
