I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You pole danced in your parka.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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