My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
