can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
