Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
