Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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