WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
