I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
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