You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Randomize
