I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
