watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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