I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
