last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
