I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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