We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
