So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
