You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
