bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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