How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
