god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
