I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
