I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
