Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
