I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
