Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
