You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
