Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
