I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
