He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
