5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
