went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
