I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
