Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
