Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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